Apologies can be so powerful. I’m learning how to truly do them -to really feel the sorry before I say it. Really take responsibility for my part.
But it just struck me that there are a couple of responses I get.
Some people apologize for their part and take it in and forgive me.
What a great dynamic that is. Transforming everything and moving on. A much stronger bond between us. A brilliant reward for setting aside a bit of ego.
While others still hold on to a resentment. Which is fine, I suppose. You can’t force people to forgive. And in order to truly apologize, I can’t do it expecting an outcome.
I remember the first time I tried this out. I was 7 or 8 and had just had another fight with my friend Tammy. We had an understanding and when one of us apologized, the other was meant to say “that’s ok.” That’s just what we did. But this time, as she stood in the door of my room while I was standing on my bed tapping on the pin to the poster on my wall, when she said, “I’m sorry,” I said, “you should be.” And as soon as she turned around to leave, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake. Not only did I have to grovel this time, but the ‘it’s ok’ too a lot longer to squeeze out. It introduced a whole new level of complexity.
But the one I really hate is when a person takes my sorry and holds it over me as if ‘we both agree that you’re bad and I’m good.’ First of all, it’s rarely true -there are almost always two parts to the dynamic. But also, then, it becomes a kind of power play -driving a wedge between us. And I can’t bring it up again. Can’t take back my apology. Can’t demand they pony up in the openness stakes. It doesn’t work that way.
And yet what a waste. Because without that softness on the other side, there’s no magic allowed through.
